Goodbye My Almost Lover
by mugglecastlover31
Summary: Merlin always knew that he would have to leave Camelot once his secret was found out. He just wished that they could have had more time. Merlin/Arthur.


**_A/N: This is my first Merlin story and my first slash. I watched this show and absolutely fell in love with the Merlin/Arthur pairing._**

**_My beta is on vacation so all mistakes in here are my own. I'm not very happy with this story, but I've been struggling with it for awhile and I pretty much just gave up. Please review and tell me what to fix and what I did that is all right._**

**_Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own Merlin (or else Merlin and Arthur would definitely start a relationship in the second series.) And I do not own the beautiful song Almost Lover. It belongs to A Fine Frenzy.

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Goodbye My Almost Lover

This was it. Merlin had always known that the day would come. Since becoming Arthur's manservant he had always known that one day, when his secret was found out, he would have to leave. He just wished that they could have had more time.

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind

Images

Arthur paced furiously in his chambers. His mind was racing, full of angry insults that he wished so desperately to throw at Merlin. Why? Why did he have to be a warlock? Why did he have to use magic? Why? And why had he let everyone see? Did he not understand the consequences of such actions? Did he not understand that though he wished with all his heart to do otherwise that Arthur, the High King of Camelot, would have no choice but to banish him for all eternity? No, of course Merlin did not realize. He had always been an idiot. But such an endearing idiot…

You sang me Spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

Since his arrival in Camelot, Merlin's possessions had grown and gathering them was taking him quite awhile. After Gaius' death, Merlin had moved out of the physician's quarters and taken up in another room in the castle. Arthur had given him a new title in the royal court – Royal Advisor. Really it was just a position Arthur had made up after becoming king. And Arthur rarely ever listened to Merlin anyways. But it was a way to keep Merlin at Camelot and that was all that Arthur really wanted.

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

Magic was a quintessential part of Merlin's being. Keeping it hidden for so many years had been beyond difficult. It had been nearly impossible. But Merlin had gladly done it for Arthur's sake. He had wished that over time he could show the stubborn prince-turned-king that magic was not all bad. He had hoped that he could show Arthur that magic, when used for good, was not a bad thing.

On their many adventures there had been instances when Merlin had been able to show Arthur someone using their magic for good. And Arthur had managed to see reason in those cases.

Now, however, Arthur was casting Merlin out because of his magic.

"_The magic – _my_ magic – it's a part of me. It _is_ me," Merlin explained desperately. His bright blue eyes, usually full of mischief and kindness were now filled only with hopelessness._

"_That does not matter!" one of Arthur's knight's said angrily. _

_All of the men sitting at the table nodded like a jury deciding his fate._

"_Magic is an evil we swore to stamp out!" another knight said._

_Merlin looked from knight to knight, "I only used the magic to save your lives! You would have died! All of you! I could not –"_

"_We would rather die than sink low enough to use magic!" the young knight Galahad shouted._

_Merlin glanced at Arthur. Arthur was looking straight at Merlin with a slight frown on his face. His eyes however, held a sadness that Merlin felt as well._

"_Sire, he deserves death. He betrayed us for many years!"_

"_Yes Sire, he cannot be treated any differently than others convicted of sorcery!"_

_Merlin sucked in his breath. In the end it did not matter if they wanted him executed. He was now powerful enough to make himself invisible and leaving Camelot without being seen would not be an issue. But he did not want to leave Camelot. This was his home. _

_Arthur gave his knights a hard look and then stood up. He refused to look at Merlin when he said, "Does anyone else have something to add?"_

_The room remained respectfully silent._

"_My advisor has served for many year and with devout loyalty. He has saved my life and many of yours on countless occasions. I do not believe that death is a proper response to everything he has done for us. He shall be banished."_

"_A just decision my lord," one knight said even though some of the more youthful and passionate knights looked simply furious. _

"_Your Majesty, if I may – "_

"_Speak Galahad."_

"_If he steps into this kingdom again, is he then to be put to death?" Galahad asked with a trace of vengeance in his voice._

_Arthur avoided Merlin's eyes and said, "Yes."_

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

That one response from Arthur had nearly broken Merlin's heart. He convinced himself that it was only because he was king that he was putting on a façade in which he wanted Merlin dead. But sometimes Merlin did not understand Arthur. Arthur was capable of terrible things, of this Merlin had no doubt. Could he kill someone he professed to care about? Yes. He had killed Morgana after her mind had been driven to the brink. And he had all but killed Lancelot by marrying Guinevere. So why not Merlin who was his most intimate friend?

We walked along a crowded street

You took my hand and danced with me

Images

Arthur had forgotten any time when Merlin had not been at his side. Their deep companionship had begun as early as the first time they had met. Merlin was not like any other manservant of his and he was glad for that. He spoke to him as he wished and cared not for propriety. He was truly his friend.

They grew older together. Arthur was proud of the man that Merlin had become. He was a strong and kind man whereas Arthur had grown up and become proud. The pride sometimes interfered with his ability to be a just ruler. But that was why Merlin was always by his side – he helped him govern when Arthur grew blinded by his own pride. Merlin never let him stray from the path of righteousness that Arthur so desperately wanted to stay on. How would Arthur continue without him?

And when you left you kissed my lips

You told me you would never let forget these images, no

Merlin sat at a table in his chambers. It was nearly time for him to leave. Arthur had made arrangements for his departure in the morning but he thought it would be easier to leave without saying any goodbyes.

"_Goodbye?" Arthur asked, "You're leaving?"_

"_Only for a few days," Merlin responded, turning to leave._

"_You really don't understand that you are my servant do you?" Arthur asked, feigning anger._

"_Nope," Merlin said smirking._

"_But where are you going?" Arthur asked. He really did not want Merlin to leave. He had become strangely attached to him these past couple months. And there was that growing forbidden feeling that nagged at him constantly._

"_Back to my mother. She wrote earlier this week. I feel guilty for never visiting."_

_Arthur was pleased to hear Merlin not say that he was going home. Camelot was his home now. Camelot, here with Arthur, was his home now. _

"_All right then," Merlin said, picking up his pack, "I'll be back soon. You can get back to ordering me around then."_

"_Not that you'll listen," Arthur said, rolling his eyes._

_Merlin just grinned his idiotic grin._

_As Merlin began to walk towards the door, Arthur felt a sense of loss. He needed to know Merlin would return. He quickly made up the distance between them and grabbed Merlin's forearm and pulled him into a tight embrace._

"_Arthur – what are – " Merlin started but Arthur pulled away and put a hand on Merlin's cheek._

_Merlin fell silent instantly and looked both confused and expectant. Arthur's gaze pierced him like a dagger. The distance between them was only a hand's width but to both of the young men is seemed like miles and miles. They both reacted at the same moment and moved their faces closer together. The result was a slight bump and the chaste first kiss of two people who did not quite understand what they were feeling. _

_It last only a short moment but the shock of it was enough to last both of them a lifetime. _

_Staggering apart, Merlin turned for the second time to leave. _

_Arthur felt a strange and pleasant sort of buzzing in his head, but it cleared well enough for him to say, "Merlin – come back soon."_

I never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

"Leaving?" Arthur said, slipping quietly into Merlin's chambers.

Merlin looked up and nodded.

"I thought it would be easier without saying goodbye."

Arthur nodded slowly and said, "It would be easier if you were not leaving."

"Why are you saying that like it is my fault? You are the king. You do not have to banish me."

"You are a sorcerer."

"Why does that matter? It shouldn't. But I always forget, you have been brainwashed since a young age to hate magic. Why do you think I tried for all these years to show you the good side of magic? Why do you think I showed you that magic inspires goodness? But it is pointless. You – "

"You lied. That is why it matters. You did not trust me enough to tell me," Arthur said sharply.

"I lied because I had to."

"You did not have to. But it doesn't matter Merlin," Arthur said tiredly, "It really doesn't matter. At least not to me."

Merlin stood there gaping at Arthur.

"Really?" Merlin asked.

"Merlin you really are an absolute imbecile."

Merlin smirked in a way reminiscent of years past. But the smirk soon slipped off of his face. This banter was only a wall set up to protect them against Merlin's impending departure.

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

"I don't want you to be angry," Arthur said.

"I'm not."

"I have no choice but to have you leave."

"If you changed your opinion on magic – " Merlin started.

"You know I cannot do that. You were not in Camelot as a child when everyone lived in constant fear of magic. Sorcerers ruled our lives. Even though I was so young, I remember those awful days."

Merlin looked sadly at Arthur and said, "Not all magic is bad."

"I know that," Arthur responded putting a hand on Merlin's shoulder. "It's just that people cannot change their way of thinking so quickly."

Merlin nodded and stood up.

"And that is why I should leave right away."

Arthur said nothing, just stood there while Merlin gathered his possessions.

This could not be happening. He could not remember a time without Merlin. Both before their friendship had become something more and after were the only life he knew. Merlin was a sin that Arthur was not willing to give up. Everyday since that first kiss Arthur had loved Merlin more than anyone else. Eventually he had been forced to marry Guinevere because it was only right that a king have a queen to rule with him. But it was a marriage of convenience, and she knew that he did not love her as anything more than a friend. She only stood by his side to produce heirs for the throne while he spent every night in a different chamber. She never knew with whom he was spending his nights but only that it was someone he could not bear to be without.

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy

To walk right in and out of my life?

"Don't leave," Arthur blurted out.

"It's because of you and your foolish prejudice that I have to leave," Merlin said in an uncharacteristically harsh tone.

Arthur sighed and turned away.

"I'm sorry, I didn't – "

Arthur merely nodded. He looked so defeated. Merlin had never seen the mighty warrior, brave King Arthur look so crushed. It was almost dizzying to see the almighty Arthur quieted in such a manner. Merlin could not stand it. So instead of watching the sad sight, he walked over to him and put his lips to Arthur's.

It was a desperate kiss and Arthur clung to Merlin like he never had before. Merlin put one hand in Arthur's hair and the other one his back while Arthur's hands grasped at Merlin's shoulders. Merlin was the one person Arthur showed his weakness in front of. He was the one person to whom he could give into with abandon. But after tonight, where would that escape go?

Breaking free for air, Merlin gasped, "I love you Arthur Pendragon. And I always will."

Arthur looked into Merlin's eyes and felt tears spring to his own.

"I love you too."

Merlin slowly guided Arthur back towards the bed. At least they would have one last night together.

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

"You are hereby banished from Camelot and this kingdom. Returning here bears the penalty of death. Do not return, sorcerer," Galahad read viciously from a scroll.

Merlin pulled his pack up on his shoulder and then bowed low. It was time to leave.

He turned and began to walk away from the castle. It was so surreal. He knew that one day he would be leaving Camelot; his powers of foresight had shown him that. Even so, it felt wrong walking away. Away from Arthur. Away from his home.

Merlin had walked only for a few moments when he stopped and turned to look back. Arthur was looking straight at him with an intensity that made Merlin want to blush. Merlin gave him a small smile in which he tried to convey everything he had ever felt. Then he turned and left Camelot for all of eternity.

Arthur also turned but unlike Merlin he walked back towards the castle rather than away from it. For most, Merlin's departure was a welcome one. For Arthur, his reason for happiness had just left him forever.

But he was king. And his people still needed him. Arthur could not fall into any sort of despair. So from that moment on he never thought of Merlin. Only at night when sleep eluded the warrior did he let his mind wander to the man that had given him so much happiness. And so much hope.


End file.
